“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
We have a winner.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My dog learned how to text
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one