I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.