Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.