ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.