Customer is always right
You Might Also Like
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
ready to be harvested
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.