[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I unironically love this joke.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER