What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
How your email finds me
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.