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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.