Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
At least he brought enough for everyone
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.