Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
#parenting
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.