My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though