i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
my proudest tweet
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
the rocks need my help
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.