Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.