I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
this is the best interaction on twitter
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.