Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.