ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Why is this me 😫
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.