Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
the red hot silly peppers
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.