My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’m being attacked 😭
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..