Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
You Might Also Like
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.