Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
the clam before the storm
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.