Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
mechanics be like
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
This is true.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’