Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.