[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*