Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Free him
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.