Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Jail
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.