[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.