I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice