A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
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Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Don’t we all.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.