You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.