In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.