Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
You Might Also Like
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
nature’s most graceful animal
Not today. 😅
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Jurassic park gets weird
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.