At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
this is what they would have looked like, though
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*