Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?