He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I feel attacked.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window