Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.