I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”