“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.