Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir