Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Death certificates are our last participation award.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear