[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.