Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*weighs self after shaving
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail