Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”