“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
seems fine
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Lol.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Trying
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
tinder profile where the fish is holding me