just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The Compass
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Nose
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.