Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
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replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
HERE’S MARKY
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
can’t talk my ride’s here
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold