Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
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Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
c’mon!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden