So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
All. The. Damn. Time.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?