[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.