[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
lol
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*