Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do